Walking in past and future

Was it all a dream, I used to read word up magazine, salt and pepper and heavy D up in the limozine, hanging pictures…

Wait, those are lyrics to a Biggie Smalls track. Seriously though, was it all a dream?

Nothing but a memory. It might as well be a dream. How do I know it really happened? It’s hard to say. I mean, other than my memory in this moment of the happening, some facebook pictures and knick knacks from a time gone by.

Now that I look back on the memories and the time, it seems so long ago. Even the road trip that I took through the United States… now it seems not much more that a figment of my imagination (despite the 2000+ pictures I took…).

It begs the question then, if the past is so prone to dissolution into the state of a mental dream, why bother trying to cling to it?

I left the past behind, literally… I left New Zealand, I left my job, I left my girlfriend. At the moment in time when I left, for probably the first time, I had no desire to look back. BUT, I did have a desire to look forward – Where was I going? What would I do? What would happen to me?

And so, I replaced the time in which I would walk in the past with walking more in the future. Turns out this is not so healthy either…

I began dreaming up different scenarios of how life may play out for me. If I took this job and did this, then this and that may happen. If I went here and did this and that, then this or that may happen. If I don’t do this, then that. If I do do that, then this.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with dreaming. However, there is a problem when the dream starts to become your reality. I don’t mean in the sense that you become crazy and are living in some kind of alternate reality that is a figment of your imagination (*cough* Trump *cough*). What I mean is that your dream consumes you. You become blinded by it in a sense and miss what is happening now.

The dream I have is to go back to the World Series of Poker. Recently I have noticed that I have become attached to this dream. This attachment has led me to live in the future, to live in the dream. Living in the future like this has lead to poor decisions in the present, made under the guise that these decisions are “necessary” for me to achieve my dream, because, you know, once I achieve my dream everything will be great! (LOL)

The poor decisions have been most clear to me (upon reflection) in my recent play at the card room. I have been losing. Consistently. At first I attributed this to bad luck, and maybe that was true… at first. However, it is abundantly clear bad luck is not the main cause. Living in the future is. I can’t make my dream of going to the World Series of Poker happen now (it’s impossible because the World Series of Poker is in June). Foolishly however, I can try to make the money necessary for me to achieve this dream now. This is a mistake. A big one.

What this means from a practical perspective is poor decision after poor decision after poor decision. It means gambling. And what I mean by gambling is making decisions in the short term that are either long term losing decisions, or long term break even decisions. Poker is a game where luck dominates in the short term, and skill triumphs in the long term. I don’t play poker to get lucky. I play poker to make good decisions, with the knowledge these decisions will pay off long term. Short term results are irrelevant. It’s quite shocking to me how easily I was able to lose sight of this.

 

Overall it would seem I’ve found it an extremely difficult task to walk in the space I’ve discovered between past and the future. It’s a space I never knew existed previously. Well, not in the sense I now speak of it in anyway. I’ve been much contented in life to walk either in past (reminiscing over good times) or future (dreaming of the future point where life would be perfect, stressless, happy).

It’s precisely the space between past and future in which I must continue to strive to walk. This space is the only space that ever truly exists. I must treat it with care, with love, with compassion, regardless of how it presents itself to me.

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