What am I doing?

Last week I opened up a google page and typed in the phrase “What am I doing?”.

That is a fairly out there question to ask. And I realise how ridiculous it is to type something like that into Google hoping for a genuine answer… I’m the only one with an answer to that question of course. I know that. But you know, I just wanted to see what would come back…

This blog post shows my vulnerability. I’m not sure at all whether Poker is the right (or a “good”) path to be following at this point in life, or whether it is a path at all or just a place-holder, or whether I’ve traded my previous office-life existence (where I felt I was treading water) only to tread water in a different pool!

It is so hard to know whether any path is the “right” path. Some definitely feel more right than others, and there may be many reasons for this – none more prevalent it would seem, to me, than the degree to which they are externally supported, or perhaps more accurately I should say, the degree to which they are externally validated. But that doesn’t necessarily make them more right. The question remains: Does such a thing as a “right path” even exist!!? Well…I know Dorothy had a yellow brick road, it was fairly obvious which way she was going… but she was also a fictitious character.

Being a fairly introverted person when it comes to talking about myself (you know, because that shit’s boring af), I find it difficult to speak out on these internal questions. It has always struck me as rather comedic how blissfully unaware many are of how little anyone else actually gives a crap. Show someone an iota of interest, and this is taken as an invitation to blab for days – I’m from here, and then I did this, and I worked here, and I did that, and now I’m this, and blah, blah, cheese, blah, blah. And then the conversation ends. LOL.

This is not to say that I don’t enjoy listening to others. I do. A lot. In fact, I see it as an honour should someone else be willing to open themselves to me. Perhaps I have gone on this mini-tangent to show myself that I need to take more from others; that it is okay to talk about myself, and that perhaps it is something I need to do more; I’m not sure. It’s a difficult thing when I am so aware of my own insignificance.

One problem I’ve always had is a reluctance to change something that isn’t yet totally broken. In high school my shoes used to wear out very quickly for whatever reason (maybe I walk funny?). Instead of asking Mum for a new pair, I would take it upon myself to fix them. One time I had a pair that began to talk to me as the sole ripped from the bottom of the shoe making a “shoe-mouth”. They were still good in my eyes and I fixed them up with some thin rope that I wove through the sole and body of the shoe. The shoes protected my feet, but I’ll tell ya, it really sucked when it rained.

So, it begs the question, is the poker path, like my shoes, coming apart at the seams? I’m not entirely sure. Recently I’ve had an idea to try to pursue my writing a little more, but I have no idea what that looks like either! Perhaps that means signing up to a writing class (but then, what kind?), perhaps that means sharing it more, perhaps that means looking for freelance work, perhaps that means…? ? ? ? Perhaps I can pursue both at the same time… But then, what does that look like?

Written on a piece of notepad paper stuck to my wall are these three words:

(a) Talent,

(b) Perseverance,

(c) Patience.

In terms of both poker and writing it is not (a) that concerns me (most of the time). The Tin Man, Scarecrow and Lion were all treading down the yellow brick road with Dorothy, encouraging her on her journey. The lack of external validation for the path I have chosen is my Achilles heel. When the road gets a little bumpy, as it did for me late last month, I find myself really tested in respect of (b) and (c)… That’s because there aren’t many Tin Men, Scarecrows and Lions to be found on the path I’m on. There aren’t many that understand this path.

Take, for example, someone that I met last week – when I told them what I did for work, their immediate response was “so what, do you drink all the time or what?”… LOL. Yes. That’s what I do. I drink and gamble. That’s all there is to it… It’s not their fault that this was their response – I know that the response comes from their conditioning, which they cannot help. However, when they told me what they did (office work of some descript), I didn’t say, “so what, do you drink coffee all the time, stare at a computer, and send emails all day?”. Gosh, ignorance is bliss.

For shits and giggles, here is the answer Google gave me to the question “What am I doing?”:

Screen Shot 2017-02-06 at 1.31.05 PM.png

Hah!! Yep. Putting the creepiness of Google tracking my hotel reservations aside, it ain’t wrong. I’m booked in to stay at a casino on the coast to play in poker tournaments next weekend. It seems for now I need to follow through with a heavy dose of (b)!

One thought on “What am I doing?”

  1. Didn’t get what (a), (b) and (c) are??? I’m at the van Uden’s for the night. Linda and I went to see Alexandra acting in a U of A Shakespeare play “The Merry Wives of Windsor”. Roman is painting his current girlfriend’s house. She has just resigned her job as an engineer.

    Keep on trucking mate, there is no set path!

    Love you xo mum

    Sent from my iPhone



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