Goals review: Letting go

Mum is coming to visit me in Trump-land in June. June is also when the World Series of Poker takes place in Las Vegas. That is when I’d planned to be in Vegas. Taking another shot at the title. These were my goals that I set out in a post in October last year:

Goal 1: $10k savings by end of Feb 2017
Goal 2: Trip to Vegas to play before the World Series (June 2017)
Goal 3: World Series of Poker 2017 – $10k – Play 6 events

A month ago I skyped Mum:

“Mum, it’s not looking like I’m going to achieve my goals. Vegas is out of reach. I’m not going to make it back this year. I don’t have the money.”

My dream of going back…POOF. Gone. There are a multitude of reasons why – poor performances in tournaments during the year, unexpected life expenses arising (health insurance tax), blah. The hardest part is that I had to admit to myself that it wasn’t going to happen. I had to let it go. And that’s not easy to do. In fact, it’s fucking hard. It wreaks of failure. I find it much easier to lie to myself – everything’s going to be fine, there’s still a chance, blah blah blah.

Surprisingly, almost immediately after the call ended it no longer mattered to me that I wasn’t going. I felt relieved. A weight lifted. I felt free to do whatever again. And so, I started looking for whatever… A creative writing class. A job running an after-school program for elementary school kids. Anything.

Fast forward to now. A month later and I’m not running an elementary after school program. Nope. I’ve made enough money this month to make it back to Vegas. This month. Achieved my year-long financial goal in one month. What the fuck? How did that happen? Fuck knows. And that is the deepest, most honest insight I can give. I don’t know how or why it’s happened. Now I’m looking at the World Series of Poker tournament schedule. My dream to go back is back on… I’m excited. I’m talking to people trying to find somewhere to stay. Trying to find accommodation for a month-long stint in Vegas.

I don’t want to stay on the Strip this time because this is not your typical Vegas stay. I’m not interested in the bright lights, the booze, the shows, the ladies and the gambling (okay maybe I’m a little bit interested in the gambling). This is a business trip.

I’m excited. Super excited. Yet I’m still struggling. I can’t help but ponder: is it a good thing that I’m able to go to the World Series, or would I have been better off failing altogether and pursuing something else?

An internal battle rages… Two sides warring. One is telling me to be more normal (whatever that means), get a steady job, find a girlfriend, live a normal existence that doesn’t involve waking at midday, going to bed at 3am, and spending a lot of time in solitude.

The other side is telling me to go for it. Telling me to give it everything I have. Everything. Go as hard as you can. While you have no commitments to anything, to anyone, pursue it. Push yourself. Go now, otherwise you’ll always regret not going, not pushing.

So many questions floating around… Was it because I let the dream go that it came back to me? Is it possible to find a balance in this abnormal existence that will calm my warring psyche? What happens after the World Series?

 

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