Last night, fuelled by down-feelings brought on by losing money in poker, I opened up a word document and spewed some fairly melodramatic content onto the electronic page. Two full pages of vomit, written within the span of thirty minutes or so – that’s a hard thing to do in such a short time, that’s how you know emotion was involved.
Here’s a brief excerpt so you get an idea of what I’m talking about:
It’s official. I’m done.
After the World Series of Poker is over, I’m done with poker. Professionally speaking.
This time, once again I find myself developing an internal clarity as to where my current path, poker, is likely to lead. The similarities to PwC are undeniable. And I don’t like it. I foresee myself stuck in card rooms, as I age, playing the same games, for financial gain. Nothing more, nothing less. And if that is all there is to it, most of all, I foresee a trap. Danger Will Robinson!!
Fairly OTT writing there. To be expected I guess given I was charged with emotion at the time the words came out. The spiel I churned out, in somewhat of a tangential (is that even a word?) way has brought an interesting question, or line of questions, into my periphery.
Does anyone else question WHAT they are doing as much as I do? (it’s a lot)
Does anyone else feel, constantly, as if they are doing the wrong thing, while at the same time feeling as if choosing to do something else would be the wrong decision? Seriously, wtf is this contradictory crap about…
Does anyone else question WHY they are doing what they are doing? Does it even matter in the present moment, or is it something that can only be understood with the benefit of hindsight?
Urgh. Too many questions. Perhaps the answer is instead to switch my mind off entirely. Ignore these questions and do whatever it is I am doing with full attention. Even if that is making a cup a coffee in the morning. Focus on that, and that alone.
That is of course, much easier said than done…
And I don’t necessarily think that ignoring these questions is a healthy long-term solution. Sure, it may help me to enjoy what I’m doing in the short-term. However, I’m aware that if I just keep doing what I’m doing, the questions will keep coming back with vengeance. I know this, I’ve been there, done that before. Without some form of action, the questions are like the Terminator: They’ll Be Back!
Perhaps when these questions arise, it is not necessary to find an answer. Perhaps it is only necessary to listen. Because if you choose to suppress them (ignore), rather than welcome them (accept), then the disconnect between your internal state and external situation will only grow larger.
I don’t know what I want to do next, but I think that’s okay. Whatever it is, it will be the right decision. And the wrong one.
To finish, here’s another little passage from my emotion-laden-rant:
Going through the emotional turmoil of winning and losing, relying on it as your sole source of income. It’s not for me. It means taking advantage of people. I don’t want to play games for anything other than fun. I don’t like taking advantage of people. I just don’t. I feel horrible when I lose; but do you know what’s kind of fucked up? I often feel bad when I win too. So how can I win?