Today I looked back on something I wrote roughly six months ago, but never published. At the time I wrote it, I was in Portland, about to jump in my car to drive to Vegas, to go to the World Series of Poker. I remember being confused. I felt excited I was fulfilling the goals I’d set myself. But there was also this weird feeling of finality to it all. A sinking feeling emanating from the pit of my stomach telling me that somehow, in some way, this would be my last ride; this would be the end of the poker road. There was no new path awaiting me at the end of the poker road, and so I felt somewhat lost. I felt confused.
There’s a lot swirling around in the thing I call my head right now; more accurately my mind. Like a bowl of fruit loops, each loopy piece of sugary goodness an individual thought swirling in the bowl of milk that is my brain. The fruit loops are all different colours; representative of different thoughts. The colours clash and contradict each other, electric blue, firery red, leafy green, bright purple. Unlike a streaming rainbow, they aren’t uniform, they don’t all go together. And the mix that is sitting in the bowl right now doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. What else is new right?
I know, that somehow, the loops will eventually dissolve into the milk, losing their presently-VIVID colour; replaced by fresh loops right out of the box. So then, why am I concerning myself so much with the current mix?
Past-Mark, you’re one wise mother***er sometimes. The World Series of Poker is over.
And yes, fresh fruit loops now float in the bowl.
I sold everything I had in Portland (it wasn’t much lol), packed a suitcase and took a one-way flight to Europe. I travelled. I saw amazing places. And now I’m home; back in NZ.
Past-Mark’s description of the fruit loops as possessing “VIVID” (notice the capitals) colour is telling. Past-Mark, why is it you were so concerned with the fruit loop mix, I wonder?
…I guess that doesn’t really matter now.
What matters is Present-Mark realises, and more importantly accepts, there’s no need to be concerned with the mix floating in the bowl now… because, you know what, they’ll soon dissolve too, replaced by fresh pieces of loopy sugary goodness right out of the box.
It begs the question: at any point, what else is there to do other than enjoy the colours?